Getting Lost.

Lately I've felt like being a mom has been the ultimate challenge for me. Why it is so hard, I don't know. It began with my two week long episode of post partum depression after giving birth to Titan, nearly two and a half years ago. Then it went away! I was a trooper. I loaded him up to take him to doctors appointments, the grocery store, and anywhere else I needed to go. Things were fun and groovy until he was 8 months old when I went back to work. Going to work was GREAT for me. I loved working. I loved getting to talk with adults and being able to help people throughout the day doing something I felt I was good at. Getting praise for my work, earning raises and seeing a good amount of money deposited into my bank account every two weeks was nice. And it was something that stay-at-home-moms never get. There are no "thank you's" for changing diapers, feeding picky eaters, scrubbing baby food out of the carpet, boiling binkies, putting screaming kids down for naps, wiping boogers, de-cluttering the house, scrubbing toilets, washing mirrors, beating out the rugs, making the bed, sweeping the floor, or vacuuming the house. There are no vacation days, even if you feel you've earned them. There's no two-weeks notice you give when you're mentally finished with this job. There's no boss to complain to about the system needing revamping. There's no trips to Starbucks every morning to ensure you stay awake. I don't drink coffee, but even if I did, I couldn't at the moment because I breastfeed. Which means any milk, chocolate, caffeine or spicy foods will destroy my baby's stomach, leaving me to deal with a ridiculously fussy baby in the 24 hours that follow rebellion. I've often said that the day I quit breastfeeding, I'm going to chug a huge glass of whole milk after snarfing down a couple of pieces of toast topped generously with Nutella. I realize this sounds like a whole lot of whining, but that isn't my intention. Taking care of kids doesn't "cramp my style", but it is simply a very challenging thing for me. Changing diapers doesn't bother me. Making grilled cheese sandwiches doesn't bother me. Holding babies doesn't bother me. Breastfeeding is great. Water fights with Titan are great. Going for walks in the wagon is a blast. But getting little to no sleep is pure Hell for me. I'm not a functioning person with no sleep. I'm cranky, depressed and unwilling/unable to do much without it. Top that with a teething 5 month old who doesn't sleep ANYWAY, and a 2 1/2 year old who thinks naps are going out of style and wants my attention 24/7, some days I'm fairly certain I'm about to lose my mind. I've decided I've sort of lost myself. I used to be a full-time student and I always loved school my entire life. I loved socializing and furthering my education. Those two things together are like a big breath of fresh air for me. But all of that sort of went away at the same time and now I'm wishing I could  (1) Finish the last 3 semesters of school that I have until I receive my Bachelor's Degree and/or (2) Find something I can do to feel fulfilled. Book club, going to the gym, swapping babysitting jobs with a friend, play dates, doing crafts, perfecting my love of photography, writing a book, working part-time, ANYTHING. I just want to feel like I'm an individual again, not ONLY a wife and a mom. It gets very tiring putting 3 people before yourself and sort of throwing yourself on the back burner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Okay, maybe 364 days a year since my birthday is thrown in there. : ) Thankfully, my husband is the bomb and does ALL KINDS OF STUFF around the house to help me out and is incredible with the kids. I don't know how some couples make it and how some moms do it without any extra help whatsoever. I can only imagine how tough that must be. But just as a battery can't help a product function without being fully charged, a mom can't very easily take care of an entire family on "drained batteries". I feel like I am so much more excited and energetic about taking care of the people I love most when I feel like I am uplifted and happy. This is probably why being a working mother was EASY for me. I could be the fun parent that fed and bathed Titan after my long shift at work, picked him up if he wanted to be held, rocked him if he wanted it, and so forth. Derek didn't want to do those things because Titan had just driven him to the brink of insanity the entire day, and they were confined to an 800 sq. ft. apartment. Derek obviously didn't feel like he could just call other moms to have playdates with the kids because that would just be weird. There weren't many stay-at-home dads, which made it even more difficult for him. So I guess what works for one, might not work for another. My life was great, his life was hard. Now his life is great and my life is hard. But I'm determined to make my "job as a mom" as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible. I need some suggestions on what I can do to reach that point, instead of feeling like a robot going through the motions with a 5 o'clock goal on the horizon every day. I can't live like that and neither can the kids. I'm hoping I make a discovery here real soon! 

Finally, some good news!

     Our poor little Titan has struggled with ear infections his entire life. And sadly enough, I believe our little Claire is having all the same problems. Titan had two ruptured ear drums last fall and the day before Mother's day he had another. When we took him to the doctor, he had a double ear infection (although only the one ear drum had actually burst). The ENT said there was still plenty of fluid remaining in his ears and this is what keeps him from being able to hear well, which ultimately ends up causing him to not be able to speak well either. We scheduled him for surgery to have tubes placed last Saturday. There were problems with the insurance so we were forced to wait another week. Finally, this morning we got news that everything went through and he is good to go for tube placement on Saturday! I'm hoping this will be like a miracle for him and all of the sudden he'll be able to talk and hear and all his senses will sort of just sharpen up. I feel like we are giving him the greatest Christmas present or something. And it's a huge present for me as well, because I've had to try and crack his code for the past year and the two of us get pretty frustrated with each other when we can't communicate well. But we've done awesome. I'm just glad it's coming to an end! I love you, little T-man. Good luck on Saturday! 

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You.

Wow, I haven't been on here for a while! I keep meaning to blog, but end up forgetting or just being lazy and not doing it. But this, I had to share.

Saturday afternoon, our house was a bit sleepy. The kids were down for naps, so Derek and I decided to sneak away upstairs for a nap as well. As he lay next to me, falling asleep, I just looked at him in amazement. How lucky am I to be loved by this incredible person. This God-fearing, family-loving, hard-working man who was just a 21 year old boy fresh off of his mission when I met him. I knew I loved him then...and I love him more than ever now. Reminiscing on the things we used to do & thinking about all the things we do now- we have more memories than anyone on the planet and I love that. We've had the craziest streak of bad luck since leaving the Army, but I realize every day that when the world is falling apart around us, we still have each other, and that will always be enough. I know people talk about soul mates being a false concept, but I disagree. At least for us.  I am so blessed to have such sweet people directly surrounding me in my life. Here's to my little family of four and the love I have for them. You guys make me the most proud wife & mom in the world. I love you!