Getting Lost.

Lately I've felt like being a mom has been the ultimate challenge for me. Why it is so hard, I don't know. It began with my two week long episode of post partum depression after giving birth to Titan, nearly two and a half years ago. Then it went away! I was a trooper. I loaded him up to take him to doctors appointments, the grocery store, and anywhere else I needed to go. Things were fun and groovy until he was 8 months old when I went back to work. Going to work was GREAT for me. I loved working. I loved getting to talk with adults and being able to help people throughout the day doing something I felt I was good at. Getting praise for my work, earning raises and seeing a good amount of money deposited into my bank account every two weeks was nice. And it was something that stay-at-home-moms never get. There are no "thank you's" for changing diapers, feeding picky eaters, scrubbing baby food out of the carpet, boiling binkies, putting screaming kids down for naps, wiping boogers, de-cluttering the house, scrubbing toilets, washing mirrors, beating out the rugs, making the bed, sweeping the floor, or vacuuming the house. There are no vacation days, even if you feel you've earned them. There's no two-weeks notice you give when you're mentally finished with this job. There's no boss to complain to about the system needing revamping. There's no trips to Starbucks every morning to ensure you stay awake. I don't drink coffee, but even if I did, I couldn't at the moment because I breastfeed. Which means any milk, chocolate, caffeine or spicy foods will destroy my baby's stomach, leaving me to deal with a ridiculously fussy baby in the 24 hours that follow rebellion. I've often said that the day I quit breastfeeding, I'm going to chug a huge glass of whole milk after snarfing down a couple of pieces of toast topped generously with Nutella. I realize this sounds like a whole lot of whining, but that isn't my intention. Taking care of kids doesn't "cramp my style", but it is simply a very challenging thing for me. Changing diapers doesn't bother me. Making grilled cheese sandwiches doesn't bother me. Holding babies doesn't bother me. Breastfeeding is great. Water fights with Titan are great. Going for walks in the wagon is a blast. But getting little to no sleep is pure Hell for me. I'm not a functioning person with no sleep. I'm cranky, depressed and unwilling/unable to do much without it. Top that with a teething 5 month old who doesn't sleep ANYWAY, and a 2 1/2 year old who thinks naps are going out of style and wants my attention 24/7, some days I'm fairly certain I'm about to lose my mind. I've decided I've sort of lost myself. I used to be a full-time student and I always loved school my entire life. I loved socializing and furthering my education. Those two things together are like a big breath of fresh air for me. But all of that sort of went away at the same time and now I'm wishing I could  (1) Finish the last 3 semesters of school that I have until I receive my Bachelor's Degree and/or (2) Find something I can do to feel fulfilled. Book club, going to the gym, swapping babysitting jobs with a friend, play dates, doing crafts, perfecting my love of photography, writing a book, working part-time, ANYTHING. I just want to feel like I'm an individual again, not ONLY a wife and a mom. It gets very tiring putting 3 people before yourself and sort of throwing yourself on the back burner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Okay, maybe 364 days a year since my birthday is thrown in there. : ) Thankfully, my husband is the bomb and does ALL KINDS OF STUFF around the house to help me out and is incredible with the kids. I don't know how some couples make it and how some moms do it without any extra help whatsoever. I can only imagine how tough that must be. But just as a battery can't help a product function without being fully charged, a mom can't very easily take care of an entire family on "drained batteries". I feel like I am so much more excited and energetic about taking care of the people I love most when I feel like I am uplifted and happy. This is probably why being a working mother was EASY for me. I could be the fun parent that fed and bathed Titan after my long shift at work, picked him up if he wanted to be held, rocked him if he wanted it, and so forth. Derek didn't want to do those things because Titan had just driven him to the brink of insanity the entire day, and they were confined to an 800 sq. ft. apartment. Derek obviously didn't feel like he could just call other moms to have playdates with the kids because that would just be weird. There weren't many stay-at-home dads, which made it even more difficult for him. So I guess what works for one, might not work for another. My life was great, his life was hard. Now his life is great and my life is hard. But I'm determined to make my "job as a mom" as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible. I need some suggestions on what I can do to reach that point, instead of feeling like a robot going through the motions with a 5 o'clock goal on the horizon every day. I can't live like that and neither can the kids. I'm hoping I make a discovery here real soon!