Happy Marriage Part 3. Sexy Time!

Before I begin, I had a few things to say!

*I wanted to clarify my stance on video games (as mentioned in the previous post). I definitely think *many* husbands go over the limit with their TV time. But, in order to get them away from the TV, try starting a hobby together like going biking, running, playing board games, 1,000+ piece puzzles, cooking and stuff like that. This way you're doing things together and it's still fun and relaxing. The "get-away-from-the-xbox" talk generally goes in one ear and out the other. And hey, your husband already has a mom. He doesn't need two.

*Please feel free to put in the comments YOUR suggestions on how to have a happy marriage and what works for you as a couple. Also, don't feel bad about putting in your two cents about anything I've posted, even if you disagree!

*Lastly, sex is a very personal thing within a marriage and not all couples are equal. These are MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS, not a "do or die" type of thing. Take what you like, leave what you don't. But these things are my observations and experiences that have worked and I've been on both sides of the fence with all of these issues. I'm showing you the bright side! : )

SEX.

As I was researching this topic, I found some interesting statistics. Married couples have sex 68.5 times a year. This is just over one time per week. Non-married couples have sex about 61.6 times a year. Go married couples! (This statistic came from drphil.com)

So, what is "sex" to you? I would venture to guess that most people view sex as sexual intercourse. But I think all forms of intimacy fall under the category. After I had Titan, I was told to not participate in sex for at least 6 weeks. When I was thinking about it and feeling bad for my poor husband (haha), someone threw in there, "there are other ways of having sex, you know". Aaaah, the light turned on! Get that little brain thinking and get creative.

To me, some really important parts of intimacy are:

*Kissing. Whether it be passionately for an hour, gently and softly a couple of times as you pass your spouse to get to the fridge, or be it playful where you kiss him all over his face while you've pinned him in a wrestling match. Cheesy? Maybe. But it's fun and we love it. And it does wonders for your soul, trust me!

*Embrace. The most difficult part about having Derek away is the lack of touch/embrace. When I'm sad, I want a hug. Not from anyone, but from Derek. When I'm happy, I want a hug. Same situation. I want to hold his hand in the car, across the parking lot, and while we push our baby in the shopping cart. I want to rest on his buff bicep while we chat in bed and stare at the ceiling. I want to snuggle with him under the covers before falling asleep. These are all things that are of utmost importance to me.

*Touch. The power of touch is great. It will bring you closer together instantly. I love to squeeze Derek's bum. I'm kind of a rule breaker. I do it at church while attending the Military Branch while he's in his Army Combat Uniform. Oops. I can't resist. I like to eskimo kiss his face, put my face close to his while I talk to him or whisper in his ear. These things are fairly effortless, make your hubby feel like a sexy champ and make you feel closer to him. It's a win-win-win. Cha-ching!

On webmd.com, I found some cool facts about sex. It:

1. Helps you sleep better. Well now I know why I haven't slept in the last 4 months! (TMI)
2. Burns calories. Go out for ice cream then go hang out in your room to burn it off. Easy peasy.
3. Improves Heart Health. Emotionally and physically!
4. Strengthens the pelvic floor muscles. Do your kegels, too! Also, they say sex helps put you in labor. I'm not *exactly* sure how true that is but hey, it's worth a shot! As if castor oil is any better? Disgusting taste and a night of diarrhea? No thanks.
5. Boosts self esteem. Of course it does! Everyone wants to feel sexy and wanted. If you want your husband's eyes to be all on you, give him a reason to think he's got a sexy mama wife! No one says you need make up, perfume, a new hair color, fake eyelashes or lingerie to succeed here. Just let him know you love and want him and he'll return the favor!
6. Relieves stress. If you're ever having a particularly crummy time in your marriage, try having sex. It's got to be the LAST thing on your mind, but once you do- you'll be surprised at how much better life feels the next day. And don't go back into your rut, either! Keep up a good routine.
7. Reduces physical pain. Apparently your levels of oxytocin go up when participating in sexual activity. They say having sex can take away pain from headaches and other body aches like cramps from your period. Try it!
8. Improves the bond between husband and wife. Uh yeah. Duh.
9. Reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Awesome!
10. Boosts immunity. If you're the type that gets sick frequently, try upping your amount of sexy time with your spouse. Saves you a trip to the doctor!


Hopefully none of you have abusive or crummy husbands. That kind of changes everything about these posts because there is only so much one person can do in a two-person marriage. To give, give, give and never receive in return is an utterly exhausting process that leaves you feeling worthless. And sex is going to be the last thing you want to do, not to mention it could get you pregnant (obviously) and babies don't make marriages better, contrary to popular belief. The only advice I could give you there is to ponder your situation hard and make the right decision in your life as to what you want to become of yourself and your family.

Girls, when it comes to sex, we basically hold all the power. If the wife says no, the husband's out of luck. Please don't be that girl. You will only leave your husband wondering why HE'S the one giving and never receiving. Sex is a two way street and you have to give a little to get a little. Your husband pays the bills, takes care of the cars, brings home the bacon, and so much more. Show him you appreciate him and give him a little boost to help make those tasks easier each day. I knew a girl who told me that she hadn't had sex with her husband in two months. When they finally attempted, the second she felt any pain or discomfort, she told him nevermind and that maybe they'd try again another time. (????) Sorry but if you fall under this category, you need some serious re-vamping of your system. Don't make sex a chore. If you hate it, find out what you hate about it and change things up a bit. There's no hurry- just do some trial and errors. Be open with your husband because communication is key. Telling him what you like and don't like will make your life a million times better. He isn't a mind reader (despite what you think) and what faster way to make your husband feel un-sexy and under appreciated then to push him to the side all the time? (Reverse the situation and think about if you were him.)

So now it's time to go get 'em! Good luck!

Happy Marriage Part 2. Action!

1. Ask yourself if it's worth the fight.

Growing up, my dad used to get upset at us for spilling water at the table. I always thought it was such a trivial thing to be upset about because one- it was just water and two- I wasn't asking anyone to help me clean it up. It was just a silly mistake I made (more than once) hee hee. Heck, I STILL do it by accident all the time.

In marriage, people often get upset about trivial things as well. The famous "which way does the toilet paper go" issue is a famous example. Your husband wipes his bum, uses the rest of the T.P., throws a new roll on there any which way and walks off. You come in, see it's turned the "wrong" way and give him either a lecture or the cold shoulder all night. Tell me that isn't the most ridiculous fight ever. Shoot, at least he put a new roll in there! He could have left you TP-less!

In situations such as those, we must stop and ask ourselves, "Is this worth a fight? Is this worth hurting my companion's feelings?" Even a snooty facial expression can hurt the other and we should always be aware and be sensitive to the other persons' feelings. Our actions speak so much louder than our words.

Something my husband taught me very early on in our marriage is that when he makes a mistake, he feels awful already. So having someone else get upset at him and rubbing salt in the wound is doing no good to anyone. How profound! It's so simple and yet so many do not get this concept. However, when the tables are turned, we would most definitely appreciate a little mercy from the other side, would we not?

2. Make an effort to see the other side.

One thing that is easy to get caught up in are differences in how we were raised as individuals. I was raised in a home that never really drank soda, but we were not against drinking caffeine. However, we never watched movies that were rated R and we were never really allowed to play video games. If we did, our time was extremely limited. Luckily, Derek and I were raised very similarly and this hasn't been an issue. However, some people get married and their spouses don't see eye to eye on things like these.

Something that kind of bothers me is when wives don't "let" their husband's play video games. Don't get me wrong- I'm NOT a big video gamer by ANY MEANS. I think the X-Box is the craziest invention and I can't work that piece of junk to save my life. Buuut, who am I to say that my husband can't do something he enjoys now and then- even if it's something I personally don't enjoy? Some wives get upset their husbands spend 3 hours on the X-Box. Is that an excessive amount of time to play video games? Absolutely. But how often do you spend sitting in front of the computer blogging? Or Facebooking? Or online shopping? Nine times out of ten, wives are just as guilty. And I'm sure husbands aren't thrilled to blog late at night. : ) But it's not that you shouldn't be allowed to do those things- it's just that all of those things should be done in moderation and each of you should be given equal respect from the other to indulge in a hobby. Sometimes we just want to sit around and do mindless things! I tell ya- if there's one thing I love, it's being able to just lay on my bed and stare at the wall or play Solitaire on my phone. No entertaining Titan, no cooking food, no laundry, no NOTHIN- just mindless staring to gather my chi for when I need it later that day.

3. Give a little to get a little.

I don't know about you, but I sure have heart a lot of this:

Woman: Ugh, my feet are killing me. I'm going home and making my husband rub my feet.
Woman: Oh, he better not or else he'll be sleeping on the couch for a week!
Woman: I told him that if he even tries to go camping with his buddies this holiday weekend, I'm going to spend $300 on whatever I want just to prove a point.

Man: Yeah man, my wife won't let me.
Man: Are you kidding? My wife would never give me a massage!
Man: My paychecks are spent before I even see that they were deposited!

Tell me you've heard this, too. This is so common that is makes me want to rip my hair out! : ) I can tell you that the fastest way to get your hubby to rub your feet is to rub his! Wow, what a concept! It takes us all the way back to when we were kids, learning the phrase "treat others the way you want to be treated" also known as The Golden Rule. You know, it IS called the golden rule for a reason. There is much wisdom to be found in it. You'd be surprised at how much good it does for the soul when you are gentle with one another. Offering a head massage, squeezing your hubby's bum as you pass him in the kitchen, kissing him on the cheek, touching his foot under the table, holding hands in the car. Those are all "action" things that are small and go a loooong ways! One thing I've learned is that the "big" things are nothing like the "small" things. The small things always matter more.

Now, I am probably making these posts seem like the wife is always in the wrong, but let me assure you men are equally guilty if not more so at times! But pointing the finger doesn't solve any problems; we must always work on ourselves only. (And since I've yet to know a man who reads my blog besides my husband...this is mostly geared towards you girls!) Which leads to my final point of...

4. You can only fix you.

A common misconception among the engaged is that they can mold their spouse into what they want AFTER they've tied the knot. Talk about false advertising! And I'm not sure how it makes sense to marry someone that you don't love in hopes that they will one day become your prince charming. Part of being in a good marriage is not only finding a good partner but BEING the best partner you can be. It's a two way street, and thankfully so. Being married can be the most rewarding experience or it can be Hell on Earth. I have experienced both in my lifetime and I'm happy to say that for the past 3 years, I've been in absolute Heaven. But I haven't changed. So what has? How could I have been the same and yet have such a different experience?

By constantly working on myself, I am able to open my eyes past my own little world. I'm able to put selfish thoughts behind me and think about how Derek might feel. There is nothing I want to change about him, but let's think about it. Say I wanted to change the fact that he likes to listen to music more loudly than I do. Why do I feel it's my job to change HIM instead of my job to change ME? I am not only being unwilling to meet in the middle, I am completely unwilling to see that I have any faults. So let's not forget that when we point a finger, we have 4 others pointing back at ourselves.

Happy Marriage Part 1! All about you.

Let me just first say that I am by no means an expert on anything. But I DO know that I have known my husband 6.5 years and been married 3 and our lives are EASY PEASY. Seriously! And I realized it's because of a few things we naturally (and sometimes not so naturally) do to help each other out. Might I also add that I was in an abusive marriage for nearly 2 years before Derek and I wed. Although that experience was indescribably difficult emotionally, physically, spiritually, & mentally...I feel my marriage with Derek has been blessed beyond measure because of it. With that being said- here we go!

Part 1: Loving Yourself

Okay so you know when you get on the airplane, the flight attendant lets everyone know that in case of an emergency, you must put your own mask on first before helping others? Well, that definitely makes sense. If you can't help yourself, you cannot help someone else because you do not have the emotional capacity to do so, especially when it comes to relationships. So here are a few pointers:

1. Understand the difference between being SELFISH and being SMART. Throwing your kids into your husbands arms for 4 hours while you rack up a bill for dinner, a pedicure and a massage after he's had a long day is SELFISH. Asking him to be on duty at home for a bit while you take a hot bath, read a book and go to bed early is SMART. That way you're still there if he needs you and you are being sensitive to his feelings. Even better, do it a different a day- when he hasn't had a rough go. I once heard that it's good to put God first, your spouse second and yourself last. I feel there is SO much wisdom in that. It will pay off, too- you just must have patience...which leads us to #2!

2. Have patience. Let yourself make mistakes! President Uchtdorf just gave an amazing talk at the Relief Society General Broadcast about this. We shouldn't beat ourselves up because we are not perfect. The better thing to do would be to acknowledge your current progress (even if it's small!) and keep on moving, in hopes to ONE DAY be the person we desire to become.

3. Think positively. Nobody loves to hear Debbie Downer all day long. Everyone is definitely entitled to a bad day and hey, go ahead, soak it up for a while. Then get over it. When you're feeling down, take a second to bring to light all of the things you DO have and should be grateful for. Everyone is fighting a different battle- whether or not their situation SEEMS easy.

4. Have confidence. During my college years it always bothered me to see students walking alone, looking down at their phone. Why? To me, it screamed, "I'm embarrassed to be walking alone!". I was always looking around, observing people and their actions, their clothes, their relationships, the sun, the clouds, the grass, the beautiful campus. It's such a better thing to see while walking than my itty bitty cell phone screen. Do you have the confidence to be alone? Try going to the movies alone, I've done this also. One day when I was single, I was super bummed and lonely. I had no one to spend the evening with but I didn't feel like staying in. What did I do? I made a grilled cheese sandwich, threw it in a ziploc bag and squished myself in the only seat I could find between two different families. I loved it! Sometimes we need to just get up and go and not think so much.

5. Pursue your goals. Who says being a wife and/or mom means you're chopped liver? Even if it's baby steps, work towards a goal if you have one. I am currently writing a book. I'm also aware it might take me a lifetime to finish! But it's nice to know that someday I will finish my goal and I'm enjoying the time I get to add to it here and there. I've mentioned this before in a previous blog post but...becoming a wife and/or mom can be rough; it can be an adjustment! But how do you look at it? To me, there are two ways. You can either see it as you losing your identity & being stripped of your rank, or you can view it as having a sash where you only add patches to it as you go. For example: When you become a mom, you might have lost your "working at an office as a big wig" status, but you also gained "nurturer", "comforter", "cook" & "multi-tasker" badges. Keep your perspective on the positive side.

I know this post may not seem to apply much to marriage, but it does. In every way possible. Taking care of additional members of the family requires so much effort that without love of self, you will lose yourself. Sometimes we need to stop and think about the people we admire the most...and then realize that someone out there thinks that way of YOU.

Facelift!

As you can see, I've given my blog a little facelift! I was beginning to think the black background was too dark and drabby since I didn't have anything cute to spice it up with on the sides.

ALSO, I am going to be posting a series of posts (sounds redundant...) on how to have a happy marriage. So it's either going to be super boring to you or super interesting! I have about 7 or so different things I want to post about in detail with personal examples and all. I'm really excited to do that and hopefully you're excited to read it!

So stay tuned- I'm still working on finishing up the first one. The posts will include topics like money, service, sex (yeah probably no personal examples for this one, sorry!), etc.

See you soon!