In my heart I honestly feel there isn't another human being more perfect for me and complimentary to me than my husband Derek. We aren't the type that fights and yells, or gives each other the silent treatment for long. We are never glad to have time apart even if it means just a little alone time. Which is something I used to enjoy before marrying Derek. I've always been very independent and I liked it that way. It was the only way I knew. Once we met up again (after losing contact for a couple of years), we were glued at the hip. When we were married, it didn't change. When we had a baby, it didn't change. And now he's gone for training and...there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm so sad and lonely that I find myself just HOPING I'll miss that green left turn arrow so I can sit in the car for a few more minutes before going home to a quiet and empty apartment. When I put Titan to bed, I wait for him to cry so I can turn back around and have someone to lay with for a while. And when he doesn't cry...I make the long trek back to my room, alone. I even sat on the edge of my bed tonight feeling so sad and down that I dialed Derek's phone JUST TO SEE if MAYBE he would answer his phone by some miracle. But it went straight to voicemail. And that's when I cried harder than I ever remember crying in my entire 24 years of life. I went through names of family and friends that I could call just to have someone to talk to and then I remembered that I'm just digging up things to get my mind off of being alone. I'm running from it!
Today I filled our schedule with TONS of things. We went for a walk, had breakfast, did the laundry, played outside, had a snack, watched TV, wrestled, played with toys, played hide-n-seek, checked the mail (3 times...), went out to lunch, went grocery shopping, folded the laundry, did the dishes, took 2 naps, took a shower, did puzzles, made dinner, watched more TV and then finally I put my worn out child to bed. After I put Titan to bed is the loneliest time of the day for me. I just walk around wondering WHAT to do! There is only so much you can do, you know! (And cleaning the toilets doesn't count as something to do at 9 pm...)
I miss you, Derek! And sorry everyone for such a downer post. Nobody likes a whiner. But man, this is so new to me and if you have suggestions on how to not stay bored (but trust me, I'm pretty convinced I've tried it all...) let me know. Or suggest some good books or movies! Thanks!
This post almost made me cry. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and down. I know how you feel. I'm here if you need someone to talk to! You can always call my phone! Hang in there! I love you!
ReplyDeleteHey girl! I know kind of how you feel. Cam and I were separated for a little over a month (seems trite) and it was hard. We were only married for 7 months when he left. You can call me! I know a ton of good books, but I have to know your interests first. You have to get out and make friends. This will be a huge trial, but lean on the Lord to help take some of the pain away. I'll e-mail you and we can chat!!
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! And a month would still be hard Sheri! Especially being married only 7 months first! I'm not a huge reader but I think that's because I never find a good book to indulge in. I've read a lot of Mitch Albom books, I loved the Twilight Series, I started (but never finished) the Da Vinci Code and The Alchemist, and I'm interested in reading The Hunger Games series. ANY suggestions would be great though. Seriously, anything! I'm willing to give it a go! And yes- email me that would be great! And Sher- I love you you're so great! Glad there are a couple people that know how this feels! How awful it is though!
ReplyDeletei feel for you Lauren, i really do. this almost made me cry.
ReplyDeletemy best advice is to keep busy, which it sounds like you're already doing a pretty good job of. it may seem like keeping busy is just ignoring your loneliness and not facing up to it but i think it's better to ignore it than to feed it. by ignoring it, hopefully it will starve to death.
it's also important to find people you can talk to and hang out with. of course no one will ever measure up to hanging out with derek, but usually something is better than nothing.
one last thing, i think it's important to create and produce. don't just fill up your time with whatever but put it to good use making something. that way time will pass quicker and something/someone will be benefited by you which is a sure way to make you feel better. it doesn't have to be a craft or anything. learn how to make movies maybe? you're really crafty and creative i'm sure you can come up with something really cool.
it must be so hard being in a new place, away from family, without derek, and being a mom again. i really hope my advice is worth something to you and that it helps.
if you ever want to email me or chat with me on facebook please do!!! i love having pen pals :) my email is eskoien@gmail.com. oh and tell me what you think of the alchemist once you're done.
Ahh.. what a sucky day..
ReplyDeletei know we haven't been chat buddies but i was honestly sitting today thinking.. who could i call....and i ended up calling nobody, next time i'll call you!!!
i have a few good books you could read. (maybe you've read some of them)
The Forgotten Garden, The House at Riverton ( both by Kate Morton), The Help ( Kathryn Stockett), Sarah's Key (Tatiana De Rosnay ), The Birth House (Ami McKay ), Bossy Pants ( TIna Fay- this is a little crude.. but sooooooo funny- just a warning ),
well those are the most recent reads of mine.... and i'm really wanting to read " something borrowed" by Emily Giffin b.c i think the movie looks interesting.
i wish we lived closer, i would lend you my Gilmore Girls DVD's.. i have all the seasons... they are cheesy but a good way to pass the time. or you could watch grey's anatomy... totallly addicting...
i hope you have a better day tomorrow!
if anyone can make good of a tough situation it's you... you never cease to amaze me .
and p.s. thanks for saying all those nice things on my blog.. it made my day :)
ReplyDeleteOk we need to find you a good show to get addicted to at night! Maybe some good reality smut? Keeping up with the kardashians? Real housewives perhaps? Trust me, you'll get so wrapped up in their pathetic lives you will forget about missing your honey for a few moments. Keep that chin up sister:)
ReplyDeleteI am always in awe of the wives that can send their husbands off to boot camps and deployment. 2 of my brother-in-laws are in the Air Force, so I've been a shoulder to cry on before. I agree that making something or learning something is a good idea. You could make a picture book/family journal for Derek that he can see when he gets home on Blurb.com or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm really loving the Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card, but you may or may not be into that kind of stuff. It's a sci-fi war series. I think he's a totally awesome writer, and LDS to boot!
I LOVE the Kathy Reichs murder mystery books. They are what the show Bones was based on (love that show). But they curse a lot. So... ya.
And lastly, have you heard of Dave Ramsey? His financial books are awesome. He has a $10 sale on his website right now that is ending really soon.
Get a library membership and go to their storytime for kids every week, if you have a library close.
Good luck! You are strong and beautiful and you'll find a way to hang in there just fine.
Oh Lauren, I think I understand a lot of what you are saying. The night my husband left for Iraq I was literally keening. It was horrible. But, you WILL get through it. The year he was gone was one of the hardest of my life, but also one of the most spiritually uplifting in my life. Pray, pray, pray, and you will feel the support you need.
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